My journal is public aside from one or two entires from time to time. Please feel free to add my journal, although I may or may not add you back. It would be lovely if you left a comment on my latest entry if you do add me!
Thank you, lovely reader.

I love my life on the island. I love my campus and my class. I love learning about something that I have a passion for, even if it is a little confusing. I love my new place. I love sitting in front of my warm fireplace with candles and good music and a glass of wine. I love walking through the forest and along the beach. I love seeing mountains from everywhere you go. I love the little stores in town. I love how the leaves are starting to turn gold and fall to the ground. I love how I now have an entire table dedicated to my records and record player. I love how wild deer walk around the neighborhoods and through front yards and along the roads and it is just an everyday thing. I love the friendly bus drivers. I love my teachers and classmates. Although I miss my bed, my dog, my family and friends, and my cozy little cabin house back home, everything else makes up for it and more. It was a long road to get here, but it was worth it.
Today I came across a memorial for Mack Laing at a park by the shore, and on it was this quote from him:

"Simplify. Don't waste the years struggling for things that are unimportant. Don't burden yourself with possessions. Keep your needs and wants simple, and enjoy what you have. Don't fritter your life away on non-essentials. Don't enslave yourself for luxuries. A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can do without. Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
Live in the present, enjoy the present.
Simplify your life.
Be not simply good, be good for something."

I have three days left of home, and years ahead of me full of the unknown.
I have so much going on in my head, but can't find the words to express it.


Here are some songs that pull on heart strings:
on the beach
revolution blues
my my, hey hey (out of the blue)
vampire blues
(All by Neil Young)

I feel like fireworks on Canada Day and pinatas stuffed with candy and aquariums filled with tropical fish and the rainbow after a storm and a garden in full bloom and that one arcade in Kyoto and a 64 pack of crayons. I can feel the anticipation of my future pulling at my heart strings. I have no mind for the present or the past, just my bright bright future. When I step outside and feel the breeze move across my skin all I can think of are the long beaches with salty waves and the lush greenery everywhere you look, and my heart tick tock ticks like a timebomb ready to go off. My family, stacks of books up to my elbow, getting an education, my future life on the island, my record collection and record player, discovering new music, pen pals, a haircut/color I finally like, plans to live in Ireland in a year or two, nice shoes, grapefruit slurpees, peppermint tea. So many good things, so many.

I can't even begin to find the words to describe how I have been feeling lately. My days are spent in bed for the most part, reading and sleeping and reading some more. I feel as if I am permanently exhausted and I could sleep for days. For about a day or two, all I have been listening to is Lullatone. I wish it was snowing. I wish this year was over. My bed is piled with books and blankets and pillows. I spend hours on my computer immersing myself in art, old and new. Just another escape.

I wish I was back in Japan. In my Hiroshima hotel room, looking out to the river and the cherry blossom trees. I wish I could take my books and walk across the street to the cafe for tea and green and pink and purple macaroons. I wish I could walk again by the river, underneath the blossoming trees, feeling the paper swans under my finger tips and listening to the distant traffic. I wish I could take the train to Tokyo and loose myself in the streets all day and all night, among the lights and the smells and the crowds of people. To be alone but not alone at all. I wish I was in Kyoto again, so I could slowly make my way through all the temples, in such sweet silence. I have never known a peace as sweet as I had found in Japan. It was nestled in the gardens, in the cafes and restaurants, in the temples and on riverbanks, I found it everywhere.

At one in the morning I am sitting in my backyard. My bare feet, a cigar between my fingers. One inhale, one exhale. And another and another. I can feel my muscles slowly relax with each breath. I find a calming pleasure in the sting on my tongue and the sweetness on my lips. Of watching the soft, white tendrils of smoke swirl up into the purple-blue night sky. Towards the few stars I can see. The moon is hidden behind a hazy veil of clouds, and looms behind the trees, yellow and distant. I sit there until I am done, and until a chill sets into my body, seeping into my skin. Everything looks so different in the dark.

In the dark I feel his body underneath mine. His lips and fingers coaxing me towards him, further and further I go. The scruff of his beard and the soft feel of his sweater. The smoke of the bonfire still lingers in his hair and clothes, and I can taste the liquor on his lips. We all went from standing in the dark of a field, but with one instant of light and color and sound, the darkness was replaced by tremendous heat and light, and we were all visible again. Smiling faces, bright eyes, so many voices. How nice it feels to have someone underneath me, their hand resting on the small of my back. Sometimes in my bed I lie on my side in the dark and I spread out my arms and my legs and close my eyes and silently wish for someone to be there. Our limbs laced together. Soft breath on my neck. Because we are all alone in this world, and we all search for someone that will fit into us, something natural and complete. I find it hard writing about (my) loneliness. Maybe loneliness is the someone that fits into me. It does feel natural.

But the light came and I sat on the front porch beside the lilac bush. Its sweet scent wafted towards me in the cold, wet air and there I sat, draped in all my insecurities. I watched the horses in the field across the road run, graceful and free. I could watch them forever in that misty morning air, with the foxes running the grass and the lilacs blooming around me.

So I have a lot of time on my hands, and for the most part, I spend it all daydreaming. The other night when I was taking a long bath, I started dreaming up a future for myself.

A few weeks ago I made an escape. I traveled through the Rocky Mountains and eventually made it to the coast. The mountains were capped with snow and the the lakes were clear and cool, reflecting perfect images of the mountains towering above them. I wrapped a scarf around my neck and let the cold, fresh air fill my lungs. But soon the mountains got smaller and smaller, and the grass got greener and greener as I approached the coast. Wild daffodils and their perfect yellow petals were popping out of the ground, and the amber leaves of weeping willow trees swayed quietly in the salty breeze. Eagles soared in the sky and deer wandered through the neighborhoods. My favorite drives are down the highways that go through thick forests, so lush and green from the spring rain. Velvety moss covering rocks and trees, deep green ivy climbing and twisting around trees to their very tips. Nothing in the world ever felt as right as that crisp, fresh air and that salty sea breeze did.

The weekend felt slow and sweet like honey. In the morning I sat on my porch and watched a hawk hunt all the little birds flying from tree to tree. In the evening I gazed into the night sky and watched the northern lights grow brighter and then dimmer, and swirl up and down the sky. When I watch them I get such an absolute feeling of peace that I have yet to find anywhere else. I fell asleep to the sound of coyotes in the fields calling out to the night.

I have quit my job and I feel so much better. I realized that that place was sucking the life out of me like a greedy, ungrateful leech. I was wilting like a flower without sunshine or water, and I had to get out. Thursday is my last day, and then on friday I am off to Mexico for two weeks. I am filled to the brim with anticipation. I can almost feel the sun on my shoulders. I can't wait to walk those dusty streets, sit by the salty seaside, and feel that warm, sticky heat again. It's a shame that none of my friends or family are coming, but I will be okay, I can't wait to see all of my old school friends again.
I hope that you are all well!

I have found three little ladybugs crawling around my room over the past two months and every time I find one it makes me miss summer. It seems so far away, but on days like today where the sky is blue and the air is warm it seems just a little bit closer. I miss afternoons at the farmers market buying flowers and honey and bread and drinking homemade lemonade. Sitting around a fire in the fading evening with peach cigars, strawberry wine, a joint, and good friends. Wearing dresses without tights or socks or boots or coats or sweaters. The lilac bush in my old backyard in full bloom and filling the air with its sweet scent. Reading books and eating peaches under the trees in my hammock. Riding my bike down to the fields or taking long walks through the woods. Taking road trips to parks with hiking trails or the botanical gardens. When my backyard all covered in green, with raspberries, corn, lettuce, potatoes, tomatoes, peas, strawberries and asparagus growing. All the flowers in full bloom. When the field down by the river is covered in dandelions. Tell me, what are your favorite things about summer? What do you miss most when it is gone?

Listening to Seven Swans on my record player over and over. Finishing my book. My mom suprising me with three yellow roses today. Spening more money on books and records than anything else. Baking chocolate cupcakes with chocolate buttercream frosting. The sun is finally out. Smoking a bowl and crawling into my warm bed and listening to In Rainbows. Spending my lunch hours sitting on a bench looking down at the river. I wish I could just go sit on the rocks by the water instead of sending out the mail or organizing files. Going to the used book store just to talk about music with the boys that work there. Walking through the field and woods behind my house. Daydreaming about the future. That's just life right now. How about you?

Today I took the day off work and spent the entire day alone. When I woke up and opened my curtains a big patch of warm, gold sunlight fell over my bed, and the sky was clear and blue and there was a light, refreshing breeze floating through the air. While walking to the bus station, weaving through familiar neighborhoods, walking down familiar streets, it occurred to me that it really is January, and I will be moving away in about 7 months. I was early for my bus, so I got some tea and sat in a patch of sunlight by the window in Starbucks, just sitting and thinking. After a while when you are thinking so deeply, you can't hear anything around you, and the things you look at you don't really see. I was totally consumed in my thoughts and all I could feel was the warm cup of chai tea between my palms and the warm sunlight on my face. I thought about all the people I know here, friends and family. It hit me that they will still be here when I'm not. Which I know sounds silly, nobody except my best friend is moving with me, so obviously they won't be there. But somehow, it never really sunk in. Once I finished my tea and caught my bus, I sat staring out the window, like my body just carried me and sat me down in the seat without even a thought. I realized that in order to grow and move on, you have to let things go. That is how you move forward. That's what it means to grow. I will be moving west, towards the ocean again, to a province that has always felt like home to me. And I will probably never be back here to stay again. I have to keep pushing myself forward so that I will never end up back here again. Sure, I'm nervous, moving to a city that I have never been to. Sure, I'm scared. But when I think about it, that has never stopped me before. I will be close to the ocean, the mountains, forests, and ultimately, closer to being happier and more complete. As I came to these realizations, I slowly began to slip out of my daze, that spot in high in the clouds that I had been hanging on to. I had even been holding my breath without even noticing. I noticed a boy reading a book called Amazonia sitting in front of me. His brown sweater looked soft, and I liked his messy brown hair and the way his fingers held is book open. I liked the way he looked up whenever the bus stopped, and his bare and pale neck. I started noticing everything around me in vivid detail, as if my brain had to make up for lost time. I noticed shadows and a CD sticking out of the snow and the scratches on the windows and the shoelaces of the person across from me. 7 months will go by fast.